A Song Reminds Her

I wrote this several years ago. Posted it and then later took it down. I’ve revised it and worked with it a bit. It’s time to leave this one alone.

 

A song reminds her of all those years ago—

Upon the screen words of “survivor”

And “not your fault” inked upon the forearms of a chorus—

 

In a moment,

All the gains of strength and safety cut,

Sliced by a razor as air is choked off,

And she is held up by the throat,

Feet dangling off the ground.

Then slammed into a wall,

The back of her head hitting first.

Fighting blackness, wanting to yield to it for peace,

Fear keeps her from giving in.

 

When another backhand hits across her mouth.

She reels, turns, struggling to move forward.

If she could just make it to the phone,

To the kitchen, maybe grab a knife.

Her hair grabbed from behind,

Pulls her back, off balance, she falls.

 

“Get back here, you fucking cunt.”

 

Her dog barks, bares teeth, growls.

 

Laughter, “Only have to kick that wiener dog like this—”

She feels ribs crack.  She can’t breathe. 

 

“And I’d kill him.”

 

She finds enough air, tells her dog it’s okay and to go to his bed.

 

“This ends when I say, bitch.”

 

Her hair is grabbed, and she is pulled down the hall to her bedroom.

 

“Now, you’ll give me what you owe me, you fucking cunt.”

 

She is pulled to her feet, stumbling against the wall,

She wonders what her fever is up to now, after this.

After all, she was sent home by her principal

Because the school nurse said a teacher

With a fever of 102 shouldn’t be around kids.

 

“Thought you were gonna get to that phone, didn’t you?”—laughter

“Just imagine, the cops showing up for a domestic disturbance at a lesbian’s

Apartment.  You know those TV cameras would follow.  How’s your job after that?”

Fingers dig into her face, grabbing, gripping, squeezing.

 

She is thrown across the bed, T-shirt ripping.

Now. Now is the time to fight. She reacts—flailing—use anything,

Nails, elbows, fists, knees—anything to connect, cause pain,

Then open a window to get away.

She feels a fist to her jaw, tastes blood.

A fist to an eye.  It’s hard to take a breath.  Her side hurts.

A hand at her throat.

 

“Stop it, cunt.”

 

Something in the timbre, in the octave, in the venom,

Makes her stop then.  This can’t happen.  Can’t be.  Her thoughts stop.

It all barely registers after that—

Teeth biting, something tearing upon entering, a fist to the face again.

 

“I said kiss me, you bitch.”

 

She tastes blood again.  She’s rolled over when she doesn’t comply.

 

“Think you’re better than me, you stupid cunt?  I’ll show you.”

 

She thinks she must have screamed

Because her hair is pulled and used

To shove her face into the mattress.

 

Then it—stops.

She doesn’t know if she passed out or not.

Rumbling.  A crash.  Cursing from the kitchen, then the living room.

It’s best not move yet she thinks.  And she doesn’t know if she could.

Then she hears the front door slam shut.

Movement returns to limbs.

Swollen faced and bleary eyed, she struggles to the door.

Lock the dead bolt, chain latch and all.

Hurts to take a breath,

But she must clean,

Must wash,

Must scrub,

The apartment and herself.

Erase, erase it all—

All the traces, any trace

Of what happened.

No.  It didn’t happen.

It did not happen because it could not.

As she steps into a scalding shower,

Wash away the blood,

The touch.  Memory.

The she realizes more soap doesn’t help

The bleeding between her legs stop.

Then she realizes there is bleeding

from her anus too.

She isn’t sure now what to do.

How could she answer

The questions of a doctor

At a hospital ER?

 

She sinks down in the shower,

Thinking of what she must do.

Call into work, they expect it.

She is, after all, sick with a flu of some sort.

Break the lease,

Find a new apartment,

Movers are required, no time to wait on friends and a U-Haul.

 

Begin to rebuild, to regain.

Only to wake,

Weeks later,

In a new apartment across town,

Hiding with her dog behind clothes in a closet,

And she knows she needs to do something.

She won’t live like this.

She didn’t work to overcome

the damage of an abusive alcoholic parent

to live like this.

 

Find a therapist and begin

To pick the shards of shattered safety

From the wounds,

Find the strength and begin.

 

“You’re going to have to admit what happened to yourself.”

 

Listen to the therapist’s litany for a moment:

            Facial bruising and swelling prevent returning to work for nearly two weeks.

            Bruised, if not broken, ribs from being kicked.

            Bite marks on the neck and breasts.

            Vaginal and anal bleeding for over three days.

 

“What does that list of injuries sound like to you?”

 

Her words tumble, fractured,

Broken by a truth she thought to scrub away:

            …what you’re trying to get me to say…red flags

            …addicted to speed or cocaine…so I cut it off…

            …showed up at my apartment with soup… since I was sick

            …became irate…still said no to seeing each other…

            …hyped up on something that night…couldn’t fight her off

            …so damn strong…couldn’t fight…another woman, for God’s sake…

            …Not the same…

 

“Was anything that happened that night consensual?”

 

“Absolutely not.”

 

“That’s the definition of rape, isn’t it?  Not consensual.”

 

In the admission,

The rebuilding, the redesign

Of strength, of safety, of taking back control,

She recalls the words:

All the words she has fought,

Words flung at her by friends and girlfriends who claimed to love her—

 

            –One woman can’t do that to another.  Lesbians don’t do that to each other.

            –It couldn’t have been as bad as a real rape.  It was only a woman. So, get over it.

            –You must have done something to make it happen, to push her to that point.

            –Women don’t rape.

 

Yes, so she thought too, even after it happened to her—

At least for a little while,

Until she admitted it was true.

But she learned to stay silent,

Trusting very few with the truth.

 

Even after all these years,

To have survived, regained control, found safety

And know it wasn’t her fault,

Intellectually inside,

Yet deeper down,

There remains a tiny pebble of shame

Since her community said—

            It wasn’t real

            Since it wasn’t a man.

            It was her fault

            Since she refused sex after six weeks of dating

            And wouldn’t continue to date her.

            It never happened

            since lesbians don’t rape.

 

She stands, watching the video her daughter shares a second time.

She finds herself close to tears at seeing the words “Not Your Fault”

Inked upon an arm.  Her daughter wants to know if she thinks

It’s cool.  She says it’s great.  It’s empowering for those involved.

She quickly turns away.

She can’t tell her heterosexual daughter

That it happened.

If her community couldn’t accept it,

How could her daughter?

A risk she cannot take.

 

If she moves, twists, walks a certain speed or way,

That tiny pebble of shame bruises a little still,

As if yet rolling around in her shoe.

Perhaps for those in the community her daughter’s age,

Things are different and they hear, if it should happen,

            Lesbians do rape.

            It was real.

            You did nothing wrong.

            It is not your fault.

 

It is her thought.

It is her silent

Reverent, fervent prayer.

 

 

Chains of Fears

Image courtesy of Tumbler
https://sammiscribbles.wordpress.com/2020/10/17/weekend-writing-prompt-179-lucid/

Lucidity picks at the chains wrapped round a soul

Anchored to the ground of fears bought whole

In the marketplace while traipsing through dreams

Resplendent with beauty and flights of fanciful imaginings

That harsh noisy words and bruising blows etched,

Tattooed lucid fears.

Lilith’s Mantle

from Pinterest

We reject the second mother
you would give us,
reject subjugation
of ripped rib bone,
accept not the pain
from seeking knowledge.

We have borne brutality for the ages,
Silent always,
In churches,
In governments,
In streets,
And in our homes.
Our mouths learned silence,
keeping us, at least, alive.

Oh, we were worthy of protection
As long as we were your possessions:
Your mothers, your daughters,
Your sisters, your wives.
As long as you owned us
And we did as we were told,
We lived, perhaps, unbruised.

But the brave have shown us
Through the ages and now again
They show us another way.
We find our voice,
Too strident for your ears,
But even our whispers
Are too strident for you.

You will mock us,
Vilify us, this we know.
Proudly we wear the mantle
Of the first mother,
Lilith, the one you deemed
An enemy long ago and banished.
Her spirit moves us to speak
Against the men who take
Even our bodies from us.
You may beat us, kill us,
Force us into marriage and childbearing,
Rape us, place weapons into the hands
Of the children we bear,
Weld the chains of slavery upon us,
And laughingly say we asked for it
Should we complain.

Yet after all that and more,
Our submission you will not have.
We will rise like an ocean wave
Wakened by a great quake
Beneath the sea and drown you
With the devastation of your hate.

Soon some of Lilith’s daughters
Will march. Some will wait across
The Earth.

But Lilith’s mantle
Covers us all.
The quake is coming.
The wave will free us all.

American Dream

America, we never were a great nation.
Not with the genocide of native peoples, slave auctions
And slavery, Jim Crow, The Trail of Tears,
Japanese Internments, and the KKK.
No, we were never great.
We are always a nation of becoming.
A nation of ideals.
A nation great in flickering moments
Like old news reel footage:
When Harriet led her railroad,
When the suffragettes marched for the vote,
When Rosa would not be moved,
When Martin believed in the one day
Every child would have,
When Edie and Thea showed
Marriage should be defined by love,
Not biological gender.
We are a people of hope, of dreams,
Of knowing life would be better
When we made each other great.

Now, hate ripples from one sea
To another, and neither shines any longer
With Liberty because her torch
Grows dim with this reign of hate.
And there are many who want to forge once again
The chains to her ankles, shackling her in place,
Because they want to keep her,
But just for looks sake. Her mate, Justice, remains
On life support, having been beaten to a bloody pulp
By those who see color, who see gender,
Who see all the women who need
To be put in their place,
Who see a society where Justice serves only
The white Christian right, or rather, where Justice is made
Their slave. No, this is not a great nation.
This is not a great nation
When a leader can bully and spew hate
While the First Lady urges kids
“Be Best” in a limp campaign to not do the same
And few mention the irony.
This is not a great nation.

This is not a great nation
When a leader can urge violence
Against the media, immigrants, those who disagree
And so few carry an outcry.
This not a great nation
Where 18 trans women, 17 of them of color,
Can be murdered within less than a year
Yet our highest court must hear how
Laws do not apply to LGBTQ.
No, this is not a great nation
When so many must blame, exclude, and hate,
When so many must abase another to uplift themselves,
All the while professing Christianity.

Our founders gave us rules of law to make us better than this.
We are not a great nation
Until we realize the American Dream
Doesn’t see color or gender,
Doesn’t see race or religion,
Doesn’t see sexual identity,
Until none of us need to stand on the backs
Of others to feel better about ourselves—
Until we realize the American Dream is freedom and equality
And there is enough for all to go around,
We can not be a great nation.

But the greatness in our nation is this:
That we can be
If we recognize our humanity.

The Brave Ones

(A Tribute to Christine Blasey Ford)

We reject the mother
Born to subservience
of ripped rib bone.
No longer will we accept
Bloody beatings and brutality,
Rape and rage,
Silent,
Powerless,
Fearful.
No longer do we accept this pain
As payment for the sin
Of seeking knowledge.

For millennia, we were lucky to live unbruised
As long as we were your possessions:
Your mothers, your daughters,
Your sisters, your wives.
As long as you owned us
And we did as we were told.

But through the ages,
The brave ones have shown us another way:
To seek the spirit of our true mother,
The one born in the same earth of equality.

So we find her voice and our own.
We speak.
Though you would silence us
With vitriol and mockery,
The brave ones have taught us well;
We will never be silent again.