The imbued promise of humanity dies, consumed with the cancer of fear. A swan song of church bells, calls to prayers drift on the winds. As humanity prays Salat al-Janazah, The Mourner’s Kaddish, El Malei Rachamim, A Prayer of Eternal Rest, Or Psalm 23– take your pick— While meditations for enlightenment circle the drain of wishes for the humane to be found within what humanity was created to be— Now only found in one minute sound bites of feel-good stories at the end of the evening news to give us hope for a brighter tomorrow, leaving a cloying aftertaste of baby food custard in the tiny souls we have left ourselves. Though drops of water possess the power to eventually wear away stone, these drops of feel-good stories can never fill the promise we never made reality-- the potential we were given and squandered. We fed the isotopes of our hate our selfishness our greed our self-aggrandizement until morbidly obese with evil that overtook our planet our souls our societies, and we became not the sweet dream any God saw in us but the nightmare now plaguing that God.
A barren tree stands tall and strong across the street. I see it weekly on days I volunteer. It’s naked limbs waving on windy days. High up, in the crux where two branches meet, sits a large, empty nest. Too large for small Avian visitors. Not a home for sparrows or finches, surely. Built by crows or grackles or large jays, perhaps-- The nest sits, stable and empty, as if a child took a large dark brown Sharpie and drew a circular blob when asked to draw a bird’s nest on a page featuring an outline of a tree.
Its emptiness captures me. Mirrors me. It stood, providing shelter for the young growing there. Now, abandoned by the young it once sheltered, the adult birds, no longer of use, have abandoned it as well-- Each having traveled on their way. Yet the nest survives-- Empty, except for the glue of memory attaching it to the tree-- As I am emptied of the young I once sheltered.
He covers his sunlit towhead with one of his blankies and loosens glistening giggles.
And I remember what it is to hide. Hiding, a thing of childhood, joyful for this boy of three with his shining towhead appearing sprinkled with glitter in the sunlight and the bubbling raspy giggles he lets loose as he covers and uncovers his shimmering head with his beloved blankie.
I learned to hide from the monster who pursued me. At times, the monster was too angry, too quick, and I had no time to hide. Other times, there was only time to seek refuge behind rustling silk dresses, a molting mink, and piled up shoe boxes—only to be yanked out by an arm, thrown across a room before the whipping began. On rare occasions, there was time to make it to the small bedroom on the third floor where there was a closet over the stairs. The floor of the closet was raised and filled with boxes of junk. The boxes created a barricade against the monster my mother often became when she drank. Though she drank daily, always drunk by the time the evening news came on, the monster did not appear every day. On any particular day, if the monster’s rage began as a slow simmer, I would silently slip away to that closet, crawl over the boxes, and listen as the rage of the drunken monster began boiling below, hoping the stomping monster did not make her way up to the third floor. That third-floor closet never failed. I never allowed myself to breathe in the safety of that third floor over the stairs closet until long after the sounds of raging below stopped. Then, closing my eyes, enjoying the silence, my muscles beginning to relax, I would breathe in the safety found in the darkness. By the time I was twelve, I had outgrown the safe haven of the third-floor closet. There was no way to crawl over the boxes without knocking them over and making noise. My hiding place lost; I had to find a new one. One I created—not truly safe or a hiding spot, but an escape. A way to stand and take the whippings of yardsticks, wooden then metal, without a cry or a whimper, to use my mind to create an escape, a place my body could not go, yet my mind could fly in moments to the safety of silent blackness.
This little three-year-old towheaded boy, finished with his hiding game, asks for cold, frozen, blueberries. Upon discovering there are no cold blueberries left, he wails. A grieving wail with fat tears. It is tragic, this absence of cold blueberries. And all I can do is find a distraction for him. But I smile and I am teary eyed at this dramatic switch from joyous laughter to tragic grieving loss of cold blueberries because he knows he is safe. He can go from laughter to tears because he does not doubt his safety here in this place among these hearts within this room filled with sunshine.
Later, when I hug and kiss him goodnight, I say a silent prayer that he never knows what it is to seek safety in darkness and only ever knows what it is to feel the safety offered in the warmth of sunshine.
The words, the words-- They rattle in my head, louder than the tail of a snake, louder than the breaking of stacked billiard balls, louder than the concussing jack hammer on a city street-- too much noise to hear distinctly what must be written, what must be said, screamed into the foul fiery smoke-filled air
One word, one. Just one, larger than the others, louder— settles against my skin, a lash of fiery noise, burning, burning deep-- betrayal-- burning away tiny scars of other betrayals a lifetime ago
This wildfire of betrayal burns away soul held beliefs of common good.
The captain of industry gleefully looks to history As a populous forgets all the tales of prophecy While writhing in the seduction of blame and lies.
Thus, all the best in humanity is left behind. Firing squads, internment camps, and torture now promised. Yes, the captain says to let the horsemen ride.
The angry populous forgets The path of anger makes the “world blind.” Yes, the captain says to let the horsemen ride.
The sun dons a robe of sackcloth, grieving. The ocean’s rasping last breath, As the moon’s face rained blood tears, Turning rivers red.
Yes, the captain bellowed, “Let the horsemen ride.”
Fifteen minutes later, six bodies forgotten in the collected dust of memory upon the world.
Six souls passed away, imprisoned from the light of God. The sky shrinks away from the edge of earth as the six join 1139.
I did not know any of them. Not one soul. I did not have a friend, a neighbor, a brother, a sister, a father, a mother, a cousin, an aunt, an uncle, no son, no daughter among them. But I mourn them, as if I knew them, as if they were family. I feel the empty spot they left upon leaving the world.
You ask me why I feel their loss so… My answer—because I am human. In return, I ask…Why do you not feel it so?
No answers found in the mocking caw of crows who laugh at humanity.
“The pen is mightier than the sword,” Bulwer-Lytton wrote long ago.
Words, with strength enough to repel the bullets violently vomited by rapid fire weapons of wars not being fought on this soil, in this land, in these schools, abandon me.
My words have no power. I cannot weave a bulletproof shield of words to protect my grandchildren from this earth they will inherit: where four-year-old preschoolers practice active shooter drills, beginning their journey of learning of how to live without innocence: We created a skin of fear into which they are born, and now, we teach them to live inside that skin of fear with lockdown drills, metal detectors, and lessons in barricading classroom doors, as we wait for the hollowness of thoughts and prayers and good guys with guns to save us all.
With what voices, with what words will we speak in answer-- when our ghost children rise to ask us why we did not save them.
The swallowtail paid a visit this morning, a flutter of striped wings, tipped itself in hello as we sipped coffee and looked up from our morning paper.
We smiled at the swallowtail then each other. You swear it is the transformed caterpillar we rescued from certain death as it hung from the dog’s lip and then tenderly placed in safety on the gourd vine leaves growing by the wood pile.
I do not know. It could very well be. It is beautiful in its flight. Its morning joyful greeting of belonging, of having found its place.
It has begun. They will come for us tonight. Darkness their friend. The cloak of night hides their evil, so they believe. We know they will place us in one of the camps. We are of no use to them. Old dissenters of questionable things, the light which frightens them. We fought long and hard, each in her own way.
Now, it is time for you, all my daughters, to stop. Your survival is the only way we win. Survive. Do not give up. Fight now by surviving. If you do not survive, there is no hope for a future.
I beseech you all to remember: Use only the last name I paid to have bleached for you. Pretend to forget your heritage now, for if pride lets you not pretend, you will not survive, and your heritage dies with you. Wear the gold cross on the gold chain as proof you believe as they do. Learn and recite their prayers, for God does not care. Cover your skin in the sun, it cannot turn too dark. Pass for them if you at all can. If you cannot, lower your eyes and hide defiance within the coverage of pretend obedience. Bite your tongue silent so you may make your way forward. Though I cannot travel with you (I will not live long enough to see the return), above all, remember all roads lead to Delaware.
Yet, I will be there with you when you arrive and breathe in freedom.
Hidden behind two different sized levels, I saw it.
And the ache of my bones reared up — electric, sharp edged-- I shrank in the ugly face of its brutality.
Yes, I admit— I shrank down 50 years or so more or less— a thirteen-year-old, helpless, swimming in a stuttering stupor, nose barely above water, in the wake of this awakened ache in my bones-- the sight of a metal yardstick like the one my drunken mother tried to break over my back as she had her wooden one.
And I, after all these years, I still carry that ache, hidden, in the marrow of my bones
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